Self-Centered vs. Centered in Self
Why you don't have to choose between yourself and others
Dear Listener,
Last week, I was on a call with a group of women in one of my Virtual Women’s Circles.
We were talking about the holidays, the pressure, the people-pleasing, navigating how to stay centered while in relationship with everyone around us.
Then one woman unmuted herself and said:
“There’s a difference between being self-centered and being centered in self.”
You could feel it through the screen.
That moment when someone names a truth you’ve been feeling but couldn’t quite articulate.
One by one, women started typing in the chat. “Yes.” “Thank you for saying that.” “That’s so true.”
She had just named something we’ve all been trying to navigate our entire lives.
Most of us have been taught that being “selfish” is bad.
Because if you’re selfish, no one will like you.
If you want to belong and be loved, you need to give.
And give. And give some more.
There’s this false belief that if we focus on ourselves for too long, or in the wrong moment, it can slip into self-centered territory.
Which is somewhere we don’t want to be. It’s indulgent. It’s wrong.
So we overcompensate. We give until we’re empty. We abandon ourselves to take care of everyone else.
So what is the difference between being Self-Centered and being Centered In Self?
When I feel into what it means to be Self-Centered, I think about living from ego. From conditional love. From fear.
Self-centered is grasping. Clinging. Needing things or people to be different in order to feel okay.
It’s focused on getting rather than giving.
It’s operating from scarcity, ”there’s not enough, so I have to make sure I get mine.”
None of us want to be that, or be seen as that.
And yet, these feelings are part of being human too.
But Centered In Self?
That’s something entirely different.
Centered in self means you’re rooted in your true nature. Not your ego, but your divine self. The part of you that can see from a higher perspective.
Centered in self means you trust that you are receiving what you need.
You’re not grasping because you’re not in scarcity.
You’re giving from fullness, not giving until you’re empty.
You’re living from generosity, not fear.
And here’s what’s wild: When you’re centered in self, you’re actually more generous.
Because you’re not giving to get. You’re not performing. You’re not abandoning yourself to take care of everyone else.
You’re simply present. Grounded.
Connected to yourself and to others.
This is the beautiful paradox we’re all living:
We are individuals and we are deeply connected to others.
We have our own needs, our own journey, and we’re in constant relationship with the people around us.
Partners. Children. Parents. Friends. Community.
We can’t ignore either truth.
We need to tune inward, to listen to our bodies, our emotions, our souls AND we need each other.
We learn from each other. We’re shaped by relationship.
The paradox is that when you love yourself, you love others.
And when you love others, you love yourself.
Being centered in self doesn’t mean ignoring others.
It means not ignoring yourself.
So how do we move through our relationships not in fear of being self-centered, but centered in self?
This question is especially loud during the holidays, when there’s so much focus on giving and doing for others that we forget we’re even part of the equation.
What Does This Look Like During the Holidays?
How do you stay centered in self when everything around you is pulling you outward?
When the focus is on doing, giving, showing up, making it perfect?
As I explore this, both individually and in community with other women, I’m noticing it’s a continual practice.
It’s not about accomplishment or perfection. It’s about intention.
Not ignoring your needs in order to meet everyone else’s, but paying attention to yourself while you’re in relationship with others.
Not waiting until you’re completely depleted, but making space to fill your cup along the way.
Not abandoning yourself to navigate the season, but staying connected to yourself as you move through it.
The holidays are actually the perfect time to practice this.
They’re a deeply communal opportunity to choose how we’re going to move through them differently this year.
With the awareness that we don’t have to choose between ourselves and others.
So this year, in the midst of a family dinner, you can simply begin by taking a breath, tuning inward, and:
Asking: How do I want to feel?
Noticing: What do I actually need right now?
Choosing: What can I let go of to make space for what really matters?
After quietly answering these questions in your mind, notice yourself, breathing into your wiser self, your centered self, the you who is aware, responding, and choosing.
I believe so deeply in Women’s Circles because they hold space for both truths at once:
That we are individuals and we are deeply connected to others.
In circle you allow space to recognize that you are an individual, learning to be more self-aware, to pay attention, and hear your unique inner voice, so that you can make choices from a place of power and clarity.
In circle, you get to practice this in community with other women, addressing our deep need for connection and belonging to both self and others.
Women’s circles give us permission to practice being centered in self, while at the same time learning from each other, supporting each other, and mirroring each other.
We practice giving and receiving from a full cup.
If you’re navigating this paradox right now…
If you’re feeling pulled in every direction,
If you’re wondering how to stay connected to yourself through the holidays,
You don’t have to go at it alone.
Here’s where you can practice:
Free Virtual Women’s Circles | Sundays at 3 PM Central
A space to pause. To be witnessed. To tune inward together.
Join a Core Circle
An intimate group of 6-9 women meeting biweekly for 3 months.
Consistent deepening with the same women over time.
A place to practice being centered in self while in community.
I need just a few more women to launch the next one (starting in January)
→ Reply “Core Circle” if you’re interested
As we move deeper into this season, remember…
Being centered in self doesn’t mean ignoring others.
It means not ignoring yourself.
Stay with the open-ended nature of it all.
If we can allow ourselves to be uncomfortable temporarily, the answers will reveal themselves.
It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to allow this to be a continual process of exploration and discovery.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
All the best,
Maggie
P.S. The phrase “self-centered vs. centered in self” came from a woman in one of my circles. This is what happens when we come together, we help each other see things we couldn’t see on our own. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject, I’m hear to listen if you need a place to share what comes up for you this week. Would love to hear from you.
Coming Up!
Substack Live | December 4 at 9 AM Central - Steal My Personal Holiday Wellness Plan - I’m so excited to host this conversation with my new Substack friend Abby Charette - Really Well.
She’s a health coach sharing her Personal Holiday Wellness Plan with us, because feeling good in your body is part of staying centered in self.
Like Abby says: We don’t need a perfect plan. We just need one that helps us stay present. Because that’s where the real magic of the season lives.
Great writing. Thank you!!